Fat, Racist & Homophobic, Welcome To The Neighborhood!: American Housewife (Season 1, Episode 1)

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If American Housewife isn’t the first world, rich, white, suburban mom problems I don’t know what is – and I love it! 

Katie Otto is a housewife “the second fattest housewife in Westport, Connecticut”. The first? Well that’s Fat Pam. She’s doesn’t know that’s her name of course, but that’s who she is to Katie and her family. Well Fat Pam is leaving which is troubling to Katie because dammit, now she’s going to be the FIRST fat mom of Westport – and that’s simply too much to bare. With three kids and a husband how can she possibly find the time to convince Fat Pam to stay? Spoiler Alert: She doesn’t but her husband has a much better idea. 

Before we get into the fat housewife dilemma let’s talk about the children. First there’s Oliver who is the closet thing you can get to a criminal capitalist. Surely Oliver would get away with the stuff he pulls if he were actually working on Wall Street, because organized crime is pretty much what’s going on there anyway. Fortunately, he’s Katie’s son and she ain’t letting it happen. See, Oliver wants to be rich and the bad part is he’ll do anything to be just that. Get rich or die trying? 

 See Oliver is a young man of principle and he is standing strong on the fact the he is not donating to the school’s food drive. Why? Because the homeless people of Westport having better things then the non-homeless people of Westport, this is all according to Oliver. Let’s take Nude Norman for example, he’s homeless but his bike costs more than that the Otto’s family car. And he rocks Ms. Haliman’s cashmere hand-me-downs when he wears clothes, which is on occasion of course – hence Norman’s nickname. And according to Oliver, Nude Norman is not going to find a job if he can receive free canned food – because let’s be honest, canned food is really all you need to get by. 

Anna-Kat she’s the youngest and she has a hefty helping OCD. She’s the reason the Otto’s have moved to Westport in the first place: they have great school programs. Oh that little sweetheart, she puts hand sanitizer in strange places and she’s deathly afraid to touch people because germs. Bless her heart. 

Then there’s Taylor, the oldest. Katie’s biggest fear is that Taylor will turn out like those pretentious Westport housewives. You know, the ones with the green drinks, high asses, thighs that don’t touch and flat stomachs. Damn, those perfect bitches! And damn that Suzanne (perfect Westport mommy) for pointing out that Katie had pizza stain on the back of her shirt. She knows! And I know you’re trying to figure out how that’s possible. She was eating pizza and blop – right there on the front of her shirt. Do mommies have time wash their clothes all the time? No. So she picked up the dirty shirt, turned it around and put it on this morning. There! You happy? 

After Katie, drops the kids off she and her friends often go and get a second breakfast. There’s her black, lesbian friend Angela who’s going through a nasty divorce, and then there’s Doris her rich Asian friend, who’s also a stay-at-home mom with a house manager and nanny. Mmmm hmm. She gets lavender put under her pillows when she’s ready for a nap. Tuh! They spot a skinny woman with two FitBits. Who the hell needs a FitBit on each arm? Let’s hope she’s not gunning for Fat Pam’s house. 

So there’s an open house across the street. And the Otto’s have a mission: They absolutely have to find a fatter housewife than Katie to buy Fat Pam’s house. They have to! Katie puts the kids to work. They’re going over as a family and the kids are to scare any skinny housewife out of buying that house. But where are all the fat women? Do they not exist? Then in she walks! A woman, not just any woman – a woman bigger than Katie. The heavenly skies open and Katie is ready to kiss some rich, fat ass! 

Nude Norman’s at the door. What the hell is Norman doing at the door? He wants to speak with Oliver. Oliver takes a step outside and had a nerve to think Katie was going to give him privacy . “I’m not going anywhere.” Sorry Oliver, she’s not going anywhere. And that’s when she finds out that Oliver is back at it again. He got Nude Norman a gig doing yard work for two families and they want him to come back next week. Norman came to give Oliver a cut of his day’s earnings because they had a deal. Dammit Oliver! You’re taking the homeless man’s money? Katie’s so sick of her greedy, capitalist kid. He’s donating a percentage of his earnings to the food bank – a small percentage because he’s great at negotiating. Damn you Oliver!

 Gayle, Katie’s fat savior and her husband have put in an offer on the house. Katie’s on the lawn gardening and Gayle comes over to thank her for convincing her to give this house a shot and to let her know that their offer is in and way above asking price. And she mentions that she and her husband were a little hesitant to move to Westport. ¿Que? “…because of all the rich blacks. There are a lot of them right? And gays “raising” kids together. I guess we’ll just have to avoid them” Awww hell naw! Katie’s has a dilemma: Does she keep Gayle around to make herself feel better or does she find away to get rid of homophobic, racist Gayle in the name morals? Damn you Gayle! 

Katie couldn’t live with herself if she chose her narcissism over ridding her community of a racist homophobe so why not call Angela. Black and gay! Double societal whammy! Why not give it whirl? Katie introduces Angela as her wife and they shove their tongues each other’s throats. It’s for a good cause people! Isn’t this what friends are for? 

There’s a lady at the door, a tall, skinny, blonde. She just bought the house across the street. Apparently the previous buyer pulled out. (Thank you Angela for your service!) Katie looks down and there’s two FitBits. It’s two FitBit lady from the breakfast spot! She introduces herself and wants to help Katie because she’s fat and to a Skinny it’s a call for help. She wants to take her for a jog-walk. Katie is not interested to say the least. “I’m gonna buy you a FitBit!” 

Shit! Another Skinny, it beats having a homophobic, racist as a neighbor – well according to Katie! 

What if she offers her a green juice?! 

Damn you Westport! 

 

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